coI’ve come to terms with my sexuality quite recently. I’ve been an atheist since adolescence, but I’ve been a black woman all my life. Obviously, a quadruple threat.
Being black in America is already a minority, but being an atheist is a minority within a minority; hence the slogan. The church is tantamount in black culture, it has done more harm to us than it has helped. Turning your back on religion in the black community can be social suicide for a great deal of us so a lot of us are afraid to ‘come out’. There are situations where considering coming out as an atheist and or bisexual will leave you waking up in a cold sweat.
According to the bible, I’m deemed as a second class citizen as a woman because Eve ate a forbidden apple. That’s all it took. No second chances, no reprieve, no forgiveness whatsoever. Because of this and the black community holding on so strong to religion, I’ve been treated unfairly by my family. They didn’t find out I was bisexual until much later, but when they did it was worse than them finding out I was an atheist. There were so much malice and malcontent. These were the same people who would quote bible scriptures day and night about what Jesus would do to help their fellow man. The television would stay on BET on Sunday’s and all you’d hear that day is gospel music. They were peaceful until you were seen as a threat to their beliefs.
I’ve found that when you add being anything other than cisgendered into the equation as a black woman, the amount of patience that bigots and self-haters have for you completely diminishes. It’s coming from all sides: the black church community, the LGT community, the hotep community. Black churches don’t really mean come as you are, the LGT community thinks you’re lying or seeking attention, the hotep community lacks lotion. The black community as a whole lacks open-mindedness and understanding in so many ways. We face discrimination in our own community and most of it is because of religion. We seem to hate ourselves first and everyone else second.
I was very deep in the closet when it came to my sexuality. I was there until I was fed up. I was reluctant to come out of the closet due to so many stigmas. I already had so much socially stacked against me as it was. When I came out though: “Now, you’re just doing this shit for attention.”, “This is just a phase.”, “You aren’t really bisexual, you just haven’t found the right man, yet.”, “How are you bisexual with kids?!”, “You can’t be bisexual because those people are confused; they want their cake and eat it too!”, “I knew there was more to why I couldn’t stand your ass. God was trying to tell me!”, “You’re just incapable of monogamy! Just admit it!”, “Didn’t you know? Bisexuality isn’t real!” The struggle is real and a lot of it is within the LGT community. It’s almost as if we’re shut out from it. I’ve never felt more invisible. It seems as if gay and lesbian are the true sexual orientations and other sexual orientations are seen as illegitimate, not real, or just a product of confusion, which is total bullshit.
To summarize the Hotep community: It’s a bunch of ashy ass negroes who think they’re ‘Kangs’ and ‘Qweens’ from West Africa – Egypt, specifically. They hold black women up to a high standard when it comes to their wombs and nothing else. Other than that, their place is behind a man and silent. They bash black women while putting white women on a throne to be saved. They wear ankhs and are obsessed with third eyes. A lot of them have taken off the shackles of Abrahamic religions and found another religion through hoteppery. The rest are atheistic but it’s negated with alkaline water and yonis. It’s still all quite confusing to me, but they don’t like free and outspoken women like me. Oh, did I mention a high percentage of them are homophobic? I forgot that part. Apparently, homosexuality is due to systematic racism and the prison system. I was brainwashed by the white man, didn’t ya’ know?
As a black woman in America, our voices aren’t heard or taken seriously. More often than not we’re disregarded and dismissed. When it’s time to steal what little culture we’ve created for ourselves, then we’re taken seriously long enough for it to be stolen and rebranded to something different. If I’m angry, I’m loud and ghetto; aggressive and bitter. If I wear my kinks and curls, then I’m to be touched and petted or told to straighten my hair. If I wear braids, I’m sent home from school or told to take them down. If I’m just sitting, minding my own business, then my face is resting in bitch mode. Maybe that’s just how I look? I’m told to “smile, girl you’re too pretty to be frowning like that!” I’m supposed to take what I can get in relationships and be grateful. I’m not allowed to build my own gaming rigs, play video games, love metal, enjoy anime, or read mangas and comic books without someone questioning my motive: “Why do you like doing white boy shit? Here’s a blunt, get turnt!” “Anxiety?! Depressions!? Panic attacks?! Where they do that at? We don’t believe in that shit! Just go outside! Pray about it!”
On society’s terms, I have to hold myself up to these impossible and unusual norms and standards to keep people around me happy.
Fuck. and. That.
I’m a quadruple threat and I’m cool with that. I’m an introverted loner but at the same time a laid back individual. If where I decide to stick my vagina and if who I decide to be as a person is a problem for someone, then how is that my problem? I spent a great deal of my life in different closets, but no more. I’ll be 30 this year and enough is enough.
Tip: I’m allowed to feel however I want. No one is allowed to tone police me. No one.